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extemporally1. Roast an eggplant. You don't know how to roast an eggplant? MUMMY WILL SHOW YOU HOW: cut an eggplant into cubes. Toss with olive oil (two tbsp?) and salt. Throw into a 200C oven for thirty minutes, occasionally tossing.
2. Throw the huge pepper you got at the farmers' market in there, too.
3. Dice half an onion, or a whole one. Dicing an onion is so easy! You are the best cook! This is going to be the best sauce!
4. Get some spinach, as much as you like, and wash the mud off. Chop into manageable bits, and drain. Goddamn. You love spinach. You love spinach more than Popeye. EVEN IF IT HAD NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE, you would still eat spinach.
5. Slice a clove of garlic. Fuuuuck. Why is slicing garlic so hard. Why is your knife so blunt. Why is everything terrible. Why do your hands smell like garlic.
6. Saute your onion!: and garlic as well, obviously. Wait till translucent. Shake in an unconscionable number of chili flakes. You maybe did not intend to put in so much chili. It is okay. It will be fine.
7. Boil your pasta. Yay! You can definitely do this!
8. Rip the top off the paper carton of chopped tomatoes off; note with guilt that it is actually your flatmate's, and that it is in fact her last carton of chopped tomatoes. Note with more guilt that you may well be condemning her to scurvy as she actually does subsist on toast. But it's ok! This is communal! She takes your things sometimes too! Like... sometimes she has your bread. And sometimes you cook for her. GUILT IS NOT ALLOWED.
9. Pour into pan, let simmer along with guilt.
10. Your vegetables are done! They are roasted! THEY LOOK SO GOOD! The eggplant definitely does not look a little grey. What are you talking about? Slice the roast pepper. Slide into pasta sauce. Add some eggplant cubes. LET IT ALL COME TOGETHER IN A SIMMERING, JOYOUS HARMONY OF ECSTASY... and more olive oil. Some salt, too.
11. Add spinach. You forgot spinach! You cannot believe you forgot spinach! Spinach is so... oh. When it wilts like that it looks a little straggly, doesn't it?
12. Drain pasta. FOOD IS AMAZING. You have probably cooked too much pasta. You have never learnt how to successfully apportion pasta. It is okay. MORE PASTA = MORE HAPPY.
13. Top pasta with sauce, of which you will probably only use half. Try to let sit so noodles and sauce can make friends, but end up eating almost immediately. Feel insufferably smug that you have made pasta with five different kinds of vegetables. You also have some sauce left, so that is another TWELVE WHOLE HOURS you will definitely not starve!
14. God, you're so good at this.
15. Do the dishes. Dishes are... so fucking many. Next time you will eat out of the pot, for sure. Know implicitly that you will never do so. Your hedonistic yen for eating off a plate will DOOM YOU to dish-washing eternity.
ALSO HELEN CAME TO VISIT AND WE HAD PANCAKES
2. Throw the huge pepper you got at the farmers' market in there, too.
3. Dice half an onion, or a whole one. Dicing an onion is so easy! You are the best cook! This is going to be the best sauce!
4. Get some spinach, as much as you like, and wash the mud off. Chop into manageable bits, and drain. Goddamn. You love spinach. You love spinach more than Popeye. EVEN IF IT HAD NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE, you would still eat spinach.
5. Slice a clove of garlic. Fuuuuck. Why is slicing garlic so hard. Why is your knife so blunt. Why is everything terrible. Why do your hands smell like garlic.
6. Saute your onion!: and garlic as well, obviously. Wait till translucent. Shake in an unconscionable number of chili flakes. You maybe did not intend to put in so much chili. It is okay. It will be fine.
7. Boil your pasta. Yay! You can definitely do this!
8. Rip the top off the paper carton of chopped tomatoes off; note with guilt that it is actually your flatmate's, and that it is in fact her last carton of chopped tomatoes. Note with more guilt that you may well be condemning her to scurvy as she actually does subsist on toast. But it's ok! This is communal! She takes your things sometimes too! Like... sometimes she has your bread. And sometimes you cook for her. GUILT IS NOT ALLOWED.
9. Pour into pan, let simmer along with guilt.
10. Your vegetables are done! They are roasted! THEY LOOK SO GOOD! The eggplant definitely does not look a little grey. What are you talking about? Slice the roast pepper. Slide into pasta sauce. Add some eggplant cubes. LET IT ALL COME TOGETHER IN A SIMMERING, JOYOUS HARMONY OF ECSTASY... and more olive oil. Some salt, too.
11. Add spinach. You forgot spinach! You cannot believe you forgot spinach! Spinach is so... oh. When it wilts like that it looks a little straggly, doesn't it?
12. Drain pasta. FOOD IS AMAZING. You have probably cooked too much pasta. You have never learnt how to successfully apportion pasta. It is okay. MORE PASTA = MORE HAPPY.
13. Top pasta with sauce, of which you will probably only use half. Try to let sit so noodles and sauce can make friends, but end up eating almost immediately. Feel insufferably smug that you have made pasta with five different kinds of vegetables. You also have some sauce left, so that is another TWELVE WHOLE HOURS you will definitely not starve!
14. God, you're so good at this.
15. Do the dishes. Dishes are... so fucking many. Next time you will eat out of the pot, for sure. Know implicitly that you will never do so. Your hedonistic yen for eating off a plate will DOOM YOU to dish-washing eternity.
ALSO HELEN CAME TO VISIT AND WE HAD PANCAKES