storytime!
Sunday, 13 March 2011 22:43![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
extemporallySo yesterday in between not studying for my exams and doing the laundry I watched the last ever episode of My So-Called Life. I, uh, was unimpressed? Mostly (and I don't know if this is a personal hang-up) because it seemed so much less feminist than the beginning of the series, when it articulated so much of what I found quintessential to female experience -- if there can ever be "a" female experience, possibly I just mean "my" experience -- so perfectly. I didn't actually enjoy the whole Brian/Jordan Catalano thing (I do enjoy seeing them interact, though), mostly because I think Jordan Catalano has so little personality he's entertaining as a remote kind of crush but not an actual love interest, and Brian displays alarmingly Nice Guy tendencies at some points.
These may be unpopular opinions.
I don't know. Also I've been reading some of the Television Without Pity recaps and have as a result been filled with rage and also the desire to yell "YOU'RE SO WRONG" at my laptop at inopportune moments, uh. Seriously - the reviewer doesn't like Patty! (Kudos to her for liking Sharon as much as she does though.) What is wrong with her??? And why review a show you purportedly love if you're not going to give more than one episode an A-rating? Why did you give Betrayal a B- rating or something equally abysmal?? (One thing it did inform me of, though, was the fact that the dude who plays Mr Katimski actually directed Betrayal, which I hadn't known and wouldn't have if it hadn't been for TwoP. Cool beans!)
Mostly I keep thinking about what happens after the last episode. And because for me, the Angela-Rayanne friendship was absolutely the whole point of the show, Rayanne comes into it, uh, a lot.
---
She doesn't make up with Rayanne. Logically speaking, she knows she should, maybe. Like - if you get back together with this one guy who hurt you that much, maybe you should find it in yourself to forgive this other person who didn't even mean that much to you?
Angela doesn't know how these things are supposed to work. She hates Rayanne Graff for putting her in these situations.
"Does she still ask about me?" she asked Rickie for the thousandth time, swearing that this time, this time it was going to be the last.
"Yes," Rickie said. He sighed. "Look, Angela - can't you just -"
"No," she said firmly. Slumping against her locker as her hair spilled into her face. The roots were growing out again. Maybe this time she'd dye it some other colour, and she wouldn't even need Rayanne's help.
"I'm just asking," Rickie said. He peered at the mirror he'd attached to the inside of his locker door, rubbing a thumb across his eyelid, eyeliner perfect as always, before turning to look at her. "You know the answer's always gonna be yes, right? Because - even when she doesn't ask about you. You should know that she like. Asks about you anyway."
"The last time I came over she ignored me," Angela muttered. Jordan Catalano (it was so hard, even now, to think about him as just "Jordan") passes by, and Angela waved at him, and he waved back, but he didn't stop, and she was glad.
"She felt bad," Rickie offered. Now Delia passed them, and he waved. She winked and made to come over, but Sharon got to her first.
"That's like saying she was breathing because she, like, felt bad," Angela said, laughing a little bit. "You know?"
Rickie laughed too. "I know."
---
... I seriously did not mean to write that. I meant to write that, basically, bla bla bla, Jordan and Angela get back together, but Angela and Rayanne don't! Neither of them were expecting that - and they don't even see each other that much. It's surprising how... complete the break is, once you cut someone out of your life and then. They're just gone. The school year's nearly gone, and now when they pass each other in the hall it's like they're just ships passing in the night, or something.
Angela knows she read that somewhere. If she was the kind of student who went for extra credit (if she was Sharon, basically), she'd ask Mr Katimski about that.
And then Jordan and Angela break up, after a bit, and Angela finds herself surprisingly unaffected - more affected than she should be, maybe, because she was the one who ended things this time, but it's not like her life's been completely ruined. Maybe there's a limit to the number of times your heart can get, like. Broken. There should be. At least to the number of times your heart can get broken by a certain person.
If life was fair, that limit would be zero, but life's not and that's not the limit.
So it's almost a surprise the day she pushes into the toilet where they used to hang out all the time (she stopped going there after she and Rayanne fell out, but that day she was in a rush, okay), and Rayanne's there, sitting cross-legged on the radiator and fiddling with tinted hairspray, doing a stupidly complicated backbend still seated to get the purple on the right places, and Angela's at the door making an O-shape with her mouth because life, like, hates her. And she hates it too.
Rayanne doesn't fall off, but Angela doesn't miss the way her hands clutch at the radiator, suddenly, and knows that it was a close shave.
"I didn't expect you to be here," she blurts, and Rayanne straightens up, and all Angela can see of her face is her profile half obscured by frizzy braids, stupidly, gorgeously backlit by the sunshine pouring through the third story toilet window. She gives that stupid hitching laugh Angela knows so well.
"I didn't expect me to be here, either," she says, tossing the hairspray can back and forth between her hands like she's contemplating turning a blast of it on Angela. Even though she's totally in the wrong here.
It's a Moment. And it would be, this, uncomfortable moment, except that Rayanne has to break silences, just like she has to break everything else. "I heard you and Catalano split up again, huh?"
"That's none of your business," Angela says, "But we did."
Rayanne slants her this quick look, like she's saying that is everything to do with her business and they both know it.
"Good, that's good," Rayanne says, and it sounds so meaningless that Angela has to demand, "What does that even mean?" It comes out more angrily than she'd intended it to and while she says it she realises that's because she is, she is angry, angry at Rayanne Graff detaining her in this grimy toilet where they used to hang out all the time making her feel like a failure at life even though this was - none of this is her fault.
"How come you got back together with Catalano and you couldn't even forgive me?" Rayanne says, and Angela knows she's got to be acting now, she has to be, she looks exactly like how she always accused Angela of looking like before crying, and how would she know anything about that.
"You can't ask me something like that," Angela says, feeling the tears rise in her throat. She tilts her head so they don't come out.
"Why not?"
"Because!"
It's too late. The tears are streaming now, and she's crying in front of Rayanne Graff, of all people. Angela doesn't know if she feels more or less bad that Rayanne's crying too.
"Because you meant more," Angela whispers, when she gets her voice back, before it gives out again, and she's sobbing. It's major embarrassment city.
But she can't even feel embarrassed, not even when Rayanne puts her arms around her shoulders and her face right next to Angela's, their cheeks wet and pressed against each other's. They're clasping hands, suddenly. Angela turns her face slightly, just curling inward, and her open mouth lands on Rayanne's cheek, wet and slobbery, but Rayanne doesn't move away.
These may be unpopular opinions.
I don't know. Also I've been reading some of the Television Without Pity recaps and have as a result been filled with rage and also the desire to yell "YOU'RE SO WRONG" at my laptop at inopportune moments, uh. Seriously - the reviewer doesn't like Patty! (Kudos to her for liking Sharon as much as she does though.) What is wrong with her??? And why review a show you purportedly love if you're not going to give more than one episode an A-rating? Why did you give Betrayal a B- rating or something equally abysmal?? (One thing it did inform me of, though, was the fact that the dude who plays Mr Katimski actually directed Betrayal, which I hadn't known and wouldn't have if it hadn't been for TwoP. Cool beans!)
Mostly I keep thinking about what happens after the last episode. And because for me, the Angela-Rayanne friendship was absolutely the whole point of the show, Rayanne comes into it, uh, a lot.
---
She doesn't make up with Rayanne. Logically speaking, she knows she should, maybe. Like - if you get back together with this one guy who hurt you that much, maybe you should find it in yourself to forgive this other person who didn't even mean that much to you?
Angela doesn't know how these things are supposed to work. She hates Rayanne Graff for putting her in these situations.
"Does she still ask about me?" she asked Rickie for the thousandth time, swearing that this time, this time it was going to be the last.
"Yes," Rickie said. He sighed. "Look, Angela - can't you just -"
"No," she said firmly. Slumping against her locker as her hair spilled into her face. The roots were growing out again. Maybe this time she'd dye it some other colour, and she wouldn't even need Rayanne's help.
"I'm just asking," Rickie said. He peered at the mirror he'd attached to the inside of his locker door, rubbing a thumb across his eyelid, eyeliner perfect as always, before turning to look at her. "You know the answer's always gonna be yes, right? Because - even when she doesn't ask about you. You should know that she like. Asks about you anyway."
"The last time I came over she ignored me," Angela muttered. Jordan Catalano (it was so hard, even now, to think about him as just "Jordan") passes by, and Angela waved at him, and he waved back, but he didn't stop, and she was glad.
"She felt bad," Rickie offered. Now Delia passed them, and he waved. She winked and made to come over, but Sharon got to her first.
"That's like saying she was breathing because she, like, felt bad," Angela said, laughing a little bit. "You know?"
Rickie laughed too. "I know."
---
... I seriously did not mean to write that. I meant to write that, basically, bla bla bla, Jordan and Angela get back together, but Angela and Rayanne don't! Neither of them were expecting that - and they don't even see each other that much. It's surprising how... complete the break is, once you cut someone out of your life and then. They're just gone. The school year's nearly gone, and now when they pass each other in the hall it's like they're just ships passing in the night, or something.
Angela knows she read that somewhere. If she was the kind of student who went for extra credit (if she was Sharon, basically), she'd ask Mr Katimski about that.
And then Jordan and Angela break up, after a bit, and Angela finds herself surprisingly unaffected - more affected than she should be, maybe, because she was the one who ended things this time, but it's not like her life's been completely ruined. Maybe there's a limit to the number of times your heart can get, like. Broken. There should be. At least to the number of times your heart can get broken by a certain person.
If life was fair, that limit would be zero, but life's not and that's not the limit.
So it's almost a surprise the day she pushes into the toilet where they used to hang out all the time (she stopped going there after she and Rayanne fell out, but that day she was in a rush, okay), and Rayanne's there, sitting cross-legged on the radiator and fiddling with tinted hairspray, doing a stupidly complicated backbend still seated to get the purple on the right places, and Angela's at the door making an O-shape with her mouth because life, like, hates her. And she hates it too.
Rayanne doesn't fall off, but Angela doesn't miss the way her hands clutch at the radiator, suddenly, and knows that it was a close shave.
"I didn't expect you to be here," she blurts, and Rayanne straightens up, and all Angela can see of her face is her profile half obscured by frizzy braids, stupidly, gorgeously backlit by the sunshine pouring through the third story toilet window. She gives that stupid hitching laugh Angela knows so well.
"I didn't expect me to be here, either," she says, tossing the hairspray can back and forth between her hands like she's contemplating turning a blast of it on Angela. Even though she's totally in the wrong here.
It's a Moment. And it would be, this, uncomfortable moment, except that Rayanne has to break silences, just like she has to break everything else. "I heard you and Catalano split up again, huh?"
"That's none of your business," Angela says, "But we did."
Rayanne slants her this quick look, like she's saying that is everything to do with her business and they both know it.
"Good, that's good," Rayanne says, and it sounds so meaningless that Angela has to demand, "What does that even mean?" It comes out more angrily than she'd intended it to and while she says it she realises that's because she is, she is angry, angry at Rayanne Graff detaining her in this grimy toilet where they used to hang out all the time making her feel like a failure at life even though this was - none of this is her fault.
"How come you got back together with Catalano and you couldn't even forgive me?" Rayanne says, and Angela knows she's got to be acting now, she has to be, she looks exactly like how she always accused Angela of looking like before crying, and how would she know anything about that.
"You can't ask me something like that," Angela says, feeling the tears rise in her throat. She tilts her head so they don't come out.
"Why not?"
"Because!"
It's too late. The tears are streaming now, and she's crying in front of Rayanne Graff, of all people. Angela doesn't know if she feels more or less bad that Rayanne's crying too.
"Because you meant more," Angela whispers, when she gets her voice back, before it gives out again, and she's sobbing. It's major embarrassment city.
But she can't even feel embarrassed, not even when Rayanne puts her arms around her shoulders and her face right next to Angela's, their cheeks wet and pressed against each other's. They're clasping hands, suddenly. Angela turns her face slightly, just curling inward, and her open mouth lands on Rayanne's cheek, wet and slobbery, but Rayanne doesn't move away.